The following afternoon I went to Dad’s. I had put on a white shirt, black cotton trousers, and white basketball shoes. In order not to feel so utterly naked, as I did when I wore only a shirt, I took a jacket with me, slung it over my shoulder and held it by the hook since it was too hot outside to wear it.
I jumped off the bus after Lundsbroa Bridge and ambled along the drowsy, deserted summer street to the house he was renting, where I had stayed that winter.
He was in the back garden pouring lighter fluid over the charcoal in the grill when I arrived. Bare chest, blue swimming shorts, feet thrust into a pair of sloppy sneakers without laces. Again this getup was unlike him.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I said.
“Have a seat.”
He nodded to the bench by the wall.
The kitchen window was open, from inside came the clattering of glasses and crockery.
“Unni’s busy inside,” he said. “She’ll be here soon.” His eyes were glassy.
He stepped toward me, grabbed the lighter from the table, and lit the charcoal. A low almost transparent flame, blue at the bottom, rose in the grill. It didn’t appear to have any contact with the charcoal at all, it seemed to be floating above it.
“Heard anything from Yngve?” he asked, of my older brother.
“Yes,” I said. “He dropped by briefly before leaving for Bergen.”
“He didn’t come by,” Dad said.
“He said he was going to, see how you were doing, but he didn’t have time.”
Dad stared into the flames, which were lower already. Turned and came toward me, sat down on a camping chair. Produced a glass and bottle of red wine from nowhere. They must have been on the ground beside him.
“I’ve been relaxing with a drop of wine today,” he said. “It’s summer after all, you know.”
“Yes,” I said.
“Your mother didn’t like that,” he said.
“Oh?” I said.
“No, no, no,” he said. “That wasn’t good.”
“No,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said, emptying the glass in one swig.
“Gunnar’s been round, snooping,” he said, of my uncle. “Afterward he goes straight to Grandma and Grandad and tells them what he’s seen.”
“I’m sure he just came to visit you,” I said.
Dad didn’t answer. He refilled his glass.
“Are you coming, Unni?” he shouted. “We’ve got my son here!”
“OK, coming,” we heard from inside.
“No, he was snooping,” he repeated. “Then he ingratiates himself with your grandparents.”
He stared into the middle distance with the glass resting in his hand. Turned his head to me.
“Would you like something to drink? A Coke? I think we’ve got some in the fridge. Go and ask Unni.”
I stood up, glad to get away.
Gunnar was a sensible, fair man, decent and proper in all ways, he always had been, of that there was no doubt. So where had Dad’s sudden backbiting come from?
After all the light in the garden, at first I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face in the kitchen. Unni put down the scrub brush when I went in, came over and gave me a hug.
“Good to see you, Karl Ove.” She smiled.
I smiled back. She was a warm person. The times I had met her she had been happy, almost flushed with happiness. And she had treated me like an adult. She seemed to want to be close to me. Which I both liked and disliked.
So I’ve beenreading the “My Struggle” series by Karl Ove Knausgaard. I’m almost through the third of six books, and the fourth book is coming out fairly soon. I was excited to see an excerpt of the fourth book published on Vice. You can read the rest of it here. It’s a good way to while away part of your lunch hour. What I like about Karl Ove as a character (since the books are ‘fictional’) is that I relate to him. I have similar anxieties, even if my experiences are completely different. What I wonder is if other people feel the same way.
What do you think about Knausgaard’s work? Have you read his books? Do you relate to Karl Ove the character? How do you feel about semi-autobiographical works of ‘fiction’?
A yearlytradition for me, I am going to add one more goal to my list of goals that I never actually complete but strive towards. I think writing these goals helps me find some direction in my life. The goals are in no particular order in terms of importance.
1. Hit a sweet throw or takedown in BJJ competition. I really like judo and I want to hit a beautiful throw or combination of throws. I feel like it will make me feel strong.
Smug shrug for cute nails
2. Keep my nails maintained and well groomed. So far I’m managing but sometimes I get lazy and let them get chipped. This sort of stems from one of my 25 before 25 goals of using all my nail varnishes at least once.
Job hunttt
3. Find meaningful employment. It would be nice to find a job that I like and gives me meaning. My motivation would be much better. This has carried over from last year’s list.
allowing for endless ‘artfully arranged’ instagram photos
4. Make macarons. I didn’t manage to do it last year, but this year I think I should manage it. I’ve got almost a full year, after all.
hopefully with a pretty pattern like a field of flowers
5. Hand-bind a notebook with a Chiyogami cover. I love all the origami paper I have, and I want to use it to make myself a writing notebook, or maybe even a day planner. Making my own day planner might be rewarding, since I can choose what features it will have.
6. Make a song. It’s been a very long time since I wrote and recorded any music, and I would like to try making another song. Sometimes I catch myself humming new melodies in the car (though my voice is not in tune ever at all). I obviously won’t include any singing in this song, since I actually can’t sing myself.
Also I can make my BJJ pals proud of me while still looking vaguely (ok completely) like a 14 year old boy
7. Win a BJJ match. I’m currently 0-5 in BJJ, and while I don’t mind losing my matches because I feel that I learn from these losses, I really want to experience the feeling of having my hand held up in victory after a match.
Lifting desks like I lift the ladies wat
8. Start lifting again. I miss the feeling of strength and satisfaction after a proper weightlifting session.
How I feel when people invite me camping and then conveniently forget to take me
9. Go camping. I’ve never been camping and I want to try it, but I’ve never had the chance to really. I mean mum’s invited me to come yurting (is that what you call it?) with her, but that’s not like camping camping with a tent and stuff…
Preferably places with breakfast and in the Serengeti. (Yes, this is another safari picture that I have yet to write up sorry bro, but I haven’t even really written up Los Angeles either since I’m the worst)
10. Visit 26 new places/towns/cities. I borrowed this from this blog. It’s an interesting idea, and it’s totally do-able on a budget. It’s nice to visit new places and try out new things. The blog is also really good, and has some interesting posts as Jen (the author) pursues her goals). She’s given herself five years to do 30 before she turns 30, which might be what I do next year, since coming up with so many goals every year is getting a little tricky.
Ideally leading to a pretty design-ey closet like this one, though I doubt I’ll ever own so few clothes.
11. Cull and curate my wardrobe. This is probably the most obnoxious and onomatopoeic way of putting this. I feel like the word ‘curate’ has lost all meaning and become a buzzword. An-y-ways, I have too many clothes. I want to have fewer. I’d really love to be able to put together outfits quickly and have everything laid out and sorted out nicely. I’ve starting hanging some of my clothes, but I need to sort through and decide what to keep and what to give away (or put on consignment, though since most of my clothes are cheap (but well looked after!), they probably won’t fetch any money…).
12. Find my camera and start taking more bird photos again. I really like taking photos of birds, and I currently can’t find my camera body (I can, however, find my telephoto lens). I think it’s in my large rucksack, but I can’t find that rucksack. It’s weird. I’m going to tidy up to try to find it.
I want to be so good that even when I’m half-conscious I still try to lock that choke
13. Improve my wrasslin’ and grappling. This is a little vaguer and less concrete than #1 and #7. I just want to get better and better and better and betterer. I really hope this will be my hobby for a long time.
And then flip over into a sweet handstand
14. Do a handstand. Reflecting on my plank goal last year, this might be somewhere to go from there. I’ve never done one, and my balance is crap, so we’ll see if I can do it.
Cosy
15. Knit myself some cosy socks. I know socks are hard to do, and that I’m crap at knitting, but I think having a difficult and almost unattainable goal is probably a major characteristic of my list (see ‘french braid’ and other goals from previous years).
A terrible fate of being super slow at finishing video games
16. Finish three games on my Steam account that I haven’t played. Thanks to all the sales, bundles, deals, and gifts from friends, I have a giant backlog on my Steam account. I want to finish three games, which I think is attainable (unlike #15 <_<).
Thesis writing encapsulated in one gif. It’s a little scary how accurate this is for me.
17. Get into the PhD program of my choice, working on a project that I have chosen and designed, though still taking into account the interests of my advisor, the department in question, and the funder. I want to do my PhD, but I want to work on something that I have decided solely by myself. I adjusted my MA project to my own interests but ultimately I did not feel 100% about it for a long time. It took me a little while to come to terms with it, and I did in the end. Going in with my own project I think will help me stay motivated.
I will profile the fellowship first, obviously, and sassily
18. Start the “Cool People I Know” (CPIK) blog series. I have had this idea for a long time, but I haven’t decided on the format. I want to profile people I know who are cool and rad and stuff. I always find everyone so fascinating, because everyone is almost their own universe unto themselves, and it’s almost impossible to understand or perceive the depth of feeling and thought that is within someone. But anyways, climbing out of that mire-ish train of thought, I think it would be fun to write this series.
From the (now closed) Hoof Café
19. Cook bone marrow. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten it, and I’ve never cooked it myself. Bones are fairly cheap, so I think this is eminently do-able. I’d like to have it with some nice bread too.
Planniiiiinnnnnggggg
20. Write a novel. I want to finish, and NaNoWriMo hasn’t really worked out for me (again) though I’ve got a lot more done this month (albeit only about 1/25 of what is necessary for NaNoWriMo). I have two main ideas. I might write the mystery novel first, since the fantasy-esque one I’ve been working on for NaNoWriMo has proven difficult.
yes yes yes yes yes papers papers papers papers
21. Publish two or three more papers. I think I can manage to get at least one or two from my thesis, and I have one or two I’m working on independently. I hope to finish these sooner rather than later.
Will it actually get done… maybe? <_< Please believe me
22. Make myself a dress with the kitenge I brought back from Tanzania. I love the pattern on the fabric and I want to make myself a shift dress with it.
There’s something inherently relaxing in language learning for me
23. Continue to improve my French, German, Russian, and Finnish by writing diaries, watching and listening to TV and radio, and reading texts. I have some books that I can start using.
That’s fascinating
24. Write short stories using writing prompts. I think I need some structure at first, as I found it difficult to get started on writing.
hi friends sorry if i randomly burst into tears or something like it’s not awkward whatevs
25. Post on this blog at least once a week. I tried to maintain this, though sometimes it’s difficult to keep writing when I feel down. I like blogging, so I want to try to keep to a sort of schedule.
My apparent feelings on schedules
26. Be more organised because I’m a bit all over the place pretty much all the time. I try to keep a schedule and a diary but I find it difficult. I don’t know why.
Well that’s the list and hopefully I manage more than half this year. It took me a while to come up with everything, though I did once and then WordPress deleted my draft somehow and I don’t know what happened there but whatevs everything’s ok.
that’s right wordpress
If you know me IRL (in-real-life) then please help me hold to these goals. Thank you in advance and stuff even if I’m a little salty when you remind me.
This edition of noon features a story to read by Haruki Murakami, called Yesterday. Murakami is one of my favourite authors. Here’s an excerpt from the story:
As far as I know, the only person ever to put Japanese lyrics to the Beatles song “Yesterday” (and to do so in the distinctive Kansai dialect, no less) was a guy named Kitaru. He used to belt out his own version when he was taking a bath.
Yesterday Is two days before tomorrow, The day after two days ago.
This is how it began, as I recall, but I haven’t heard it for a long time and I’m not positive that’s how it went. From start to finish, though, Kitaru’s lyrics were almost meaningless, nonsense that had nothing to do with the original words. That familiar lovely, melancholy melody paired with the breezy Kansai dialect—which you might call the opposite of pathos—made for a strange combination, a bold denial of anything constructive. At least, that’s how it sounded to me. At the time, I just listened and shook my head. I was able to laugh it off, but I also read a kind of hidden import in it.
I first met Kitaru at a coffee shop near the main gate of Waseda University, where we worked part time, I in the kitchen and Kitaru as a waiter. We used to talk a lot during downtime at the shop. We were both twenty, our birthdays only a week apart.
Did you enjoy the story? What do you think about the shift in time? Do you think it has a wistful quality to it (like other stories by Murakami)? Have you read any other work by Haruki Murakami? What’s your favourite? My favourites are probably The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, or Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World, though After Dark holds a special place in my heart because the night-time theme of it reflects parts of my life where I spent a lot of time wandering through the night (literally, not figuratively). I really liked the tenderness in this story, though.
Emily
One more thing! If you do live in Ontario, don’t forget to vote today in the provincial elections! Look for your polling station here.
I just realised actually after posting yesterday that I have another post with pretty much exactly the same name. Oops. Anyways.
I’m really into this song right now:
It’s from Adventure Time, which is a children’s TV show I like probably way too much. I also use way too many gifs on this blog from that show. Gifs like these:
I drove 260km today on the highway both ways which I feel is pretty impressive, seeing as I didn’t want to ever go on the highway two weeks ago. I’m a decent driver, I think.. I hope. I try to be considerate of all road users, but those behind me get impatient and sometimes honk…
Oh, you wanted me to go over the speed limit and hit a pedestrian. Soz no – my face when you do this
The other day I went to Sephora to pick up yet more hair ties that mum and I really like, but they keep stretching out (like way too fast…) and getting lost. Also Brutus loves playing with them. I unfortunately don’t have an illustrative video of it, so you’ll have to take my word on that one.
The hair ties in question
I realised that I’ve saved over 1000 Sephora points, which is probably super shameful, though I have been saving them over 5 years, and it works out to a slightly more reasonable $200/year, some of which is from my mum (and some of which is gifts!), who doesn’t have her own Sephora card. I decided to take the plunge and spend 500 of those points on a cute Occitane en Provence set, which included five little products which I hope will be good for the plane. I got a free face cream from Occitane with a magazine in August (British magazines always include presents and it always disappoints me that they never do here) which I quite liked. The set comes with a shea butter hand cream, almond delicious hands (sounds a bit like they threw darts at a board to name this, but apparently it’s supposed to be reminiscent of macarons), almond shower oil, verbena body lotion, and almond supple skin oil. I hope they will be useful in keeping my skin from desiccating on the plane.
When I’m old and still have decent skin
The set.
The best part is that the set came with a cute little pouch that looks like a postcard. I like the pouch because it’s the perfect size for my phone. I try to always keep my phone in a pouch so it doesn’t get scratched or damaged.
I’m also really into music videos that include noise from the scene being acted out right now, especially this one that my friend sent me for “Odd Look” by Kavinsky:
Here’s hoping for a productive two days before leaving for England. I’ve reviewed my 25 before 25 in brief, and I’ve put the ones that I’ve actually made progress on in colour, so you can skip all the waffling about goals and junk.
Drawing every day – Well, not quite, but I’m trying to draw as much as possible.
Muumipappa ja meri– Haven’t started reading it yet
Finnish diary – Not every day, but I’m writing every so often
Scrapbook – Yes! It’s coming along
Lifting bodyweight – It’s hard to maintain a consistent schedule since I don’t know where I’m going to live and I don’t want to commit to a year of gym time/money if I’m not going to be there to lift. I’m lifting as much as possible.
Jiu jitsu/grappling – I’m getting a bit better. I’m working on it as much as I can. I’m probably still like, sub white belt level anyways.
Cataloguing books – I need to find an app/scanner to make it easier.
Make an item of clothing – I have plans and schemes and stuff but I haven’t started.
Travel to an unvisited country – Not yet, no plans.
Safari write up – Oooooopps. I’m just lazy. <_<
Publish 2-3 papers – They’re not submitted yet
Make macarons – When I’m back from England.
Blog series – I started my tea reviews though that ties in with 23.. Soon, soon.
Plank improvement – I have to start the plank challenge.
Pottery class – When I get a job.
Wear all my lipsticks – Doing it, but not documenting it, to Sharan’s chagrin.
Wear all my nail varnishes – Doing it, but I pick at them and then they look bad. WHATEVER.
Get meaningful employment – I’ll take anything to be honest, though I’m working on applications and hoping I come across as charming in 4 pages or less.
Getting out of the house more – Now that I can drive, I’ve been going to the café and working on my thesis and stuff.
Weekly blogs – Well you can see how that is going…
Short stories – I am working on a few, but don’t feel like showing any yet.
Outlining the novel – Putting all my papers together and hopefully will be able to do NaNoWriMo in November.
Tea reviews- I have already written one and I have two more in draft form, just waiting for my photos to be put together and more details to be added from my notes.
Handmade pasta- When I get my sweet job and move into my sweet apartment I hope to make this as a housewarming dish to serve to my lovely guests. Should probably look up vegan pasta too.
Defending my thesis – Hopefully in mid to late May.
Maybe I’ll write more tomorrow, or in a month, or whatever. That’s the joy of reading my blog.
So it’s nice to be ambitious but I maybe bit off a bit too much with the 12 before 24 stuff. But I’m going to set more goals and not meet them all because that’s what life is about, isn’t it? Right? Right? Maybe.
Without further waffling, here is my hopefully somewhat realistic list of 25 goals, not in order of importance at all because that would take way too much time:
1. Draw something every day using a variety of drawingprompts: I want to get better at drawing and I like doing it. I also hope to post said drawings on this very blog.
Drawings that hopefully are as charming as this
2. Read Muumipappa ja meri (Moominpapa and the Sea) in Finnish: I bought the book with Kimmo in Vaasa with the full intention of reading it by the end of the year. I also have the English version now so reading it might be easier. I hope. Maybe.
3. Following that Finnish goal, write one or two sentences in a little Finnish “diary” every day or so: I did this when I was taking Finnish. I will write mostly entries about my day, but I might write longer things when I have time, perhaps about feelings or some other boring stuff like that.
4. Keep a scrapbook from January 2014 to January 2015: I’ve already started it in a very cute flower notebook. I have tried to keep scrapbooks before, but always forgotten to keep those scraps of ephemera to put in it.
a cute scrapbook!
5. Get all of my lifts to at least bodyweight, if not higher: I want to be stronger. This is probably going to be harder for some lifts than others (e.g. bench)
Better get to it
6. Improve my jiu jitsu and grappling: I just want to get better, because I think it’s fun, but being kind of ok at stuff is also fun.
7. Catalogue my books: I have too many books and cataloguing them will probably help me slim down my collection and prevent myself from buying a duplicate.
i like bookses
8. Make myself an item of clothing: I want to make something, either knitted or sewn. Mum can help <_<
a new potato-sack dress perhaps (this one got kind of crappy from all the TZ dust, wind and hand washing)
9. Visit a country I haven’t been to before: Any country, anywhere, that I haven’t visited.
Fair enough
10. Finish writing up my safari in Tanzania: Sorting through over a thousand pictures is tough, but what’s the point in taking so many and not sharing them?
I am lazy like a crocodile in mud tho (now I have officially put two whole photos from my safari online)
11. Publish two to three papers: I have two that I have roughed out, so it’s a realistic goal. I hope.
Academia
12. Make macarons at least twice: I was given a macaron cookbook for Christmas and I really should use it.
I love you macaron
13. Start the blog series I’ve wanted to start for a while: What is the plural of series anyways? Serieses? That’s definitely wrong. I think it’s already a plural… anyways, I want to do two: Cool People I Know and one which I actually just forgot right now because I possibly have early-onset Alzheimer’s.
Better take a seat for these sweet posts
14. Improve my plank, because it’s pretty pathetic: Imight take a cue from the “30 day plank challenge” that someone or other posted on Facebook.
Eventually progressing to crazy flips
15. Do a pottery class: I’ve always been rather keen on this. I did some when I was little, and I’ve always wanted to do it again.
I could make anyyyythiiiiiing
16. Wear all of my lipsticks at least once: By god I have a problem, and that problem is owning too many lipsticks because I like all the pretty colours
like this one
17. Wear all of my nail varnishes at least once: I guess it’s a repeat but I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. Also I haven’t bought any new varnishes for a while. I have to find them in the basement.
manicure activate!
18. Find some sort of meaningful employment: I have to wait to do my PhD until the next round of applications anyways, but I’m not going to let that get me down. I like working, so I’m going to find work.
That’s the kind of talent that’s a transferable skill amirite employers?
19. Try to get out of the house more: Since I’ve moved back in with mum and dad I seem to be spending way too much time indoors at home. I feel like I might work better at cafés because people are watching.
Going outside
or maybe…
20. Try to blog at least once a week: I know I’ve been neglecting the blog.. it seems that I’ve only really posted once a month, but once a week I think is eminently do-able.
everyone’s reaction to my compelling and interesting blog posts
21. Work on my short stories: I really like writing short stories, so I am going to try to write one every month and post it here.
getting stuck on a point
22. Work on my novel outline and start writing, maybe for NaNoWriMo: I want to get that novel done. I’ve had the idea for years and years, and I outlined it in part during my driver’s ed. I might be ready in time for this year’s NaNoWriMo, since last year went so well (300/50,000 words). I won’t be working on a thesis, so I think it’s more attainable.
outliiiinnne
23. Review the teas I drink: I really like tea. A lot. And I own a lot of different teas. I want to review them on my blog, so that maybe if someone wants to try it, they can.
24. Make handmade pasta: I really have always wanted to make handmade pasta. I think it isn’t particularly difficult. I want to make some sort of stuffed pasta, because I love it (especially pumpkin ravioli!).
Pastaaa
25. Successfully defend my Master’s thesis in the Spring: I want to be done before the summer starts, so I don’t have to have my defence hanging over me.
I’m on fire and ready
Anyways, this list took me over a month to write when I sat down to do it, two months after my birthday, but I feel like this year I want to focus on attainable goals, rather than loftier ones. I will write again soon, I promise.
